The new (old) thing, that puts my heart at rest.

This morning as I was nursing Magnus I almost started crying because he’s growing so fast.

As I watched his little jaws moving I could almost see into the future of the 5 year old who I will hold close to me because he lost his toy, the 10 year old who is fighting with his best friend, and the 16 year old who lost his first real girlfriend. Time is already moving too fast and he’s only almost 5 weeks old.

He will never be as small as he is today, and I want time to: Slow. The. Fuck. Down.

Last week one of my dear friends Kim came over and as we were chatting she said to me, “You are doing a great job. You’re so relaxed you wouldn’t think this is your first baby at all!”

I laughed, “Really? I don’t know what the fuck I am doing. But I can keep him fed, alive, and cuddled.”

And that leads me to my greatest fear: not being able to keep him alive.

I am scared shitless of him dying.

As I type these words, there has been nothing truer in the world.

I cannot bear to lose him and I am terrified that he will die of SIDS or some other awful thing and that I will never be able to hold him again.

I didn’t even know this kind of feeling could exist until he came along.

So I’ve started doing something that has surprised me:

I started praying.

Now, I don’t typically share my religious beliefs (primarily because I don’t have any), but this has been a source of real solace for me and I thought it might help you too.

I wasn’t raised with religion, and ironically enough, the only things I know about the bible are what I learned in public school.

Yet I am very spiritual.

I believe in something, but I can’t pray to “something,” and “higher power” or “life force” are too cumbersome to say even in my own mind so I use the word “God.”

It’s the most familiar to me, even if it may mean something a little different.

Every night now I pray in my own clumsy way.

As I go to sleep I pray for the health, happiness and safety of my family (among other things), and for Magnus to stay alive.

There is solace in prayer that I didn’t know before.

To me, it’s a combination of a loving kindness practice where I am well wishing for those I love, and also a way to give my worries to something bigger than me so I can let them go, even for a short while.

I also love that my last thoughts are loving my family and wishing them the best, while allowing me to sleep without running into my son’s room every 5 minutes to make sure he’s still breathing.

I’d love to hear from you now, what do you do with your worries? Do you pray? What helps put your heart at rest? Please share in the comments below, or in the Soul Sisterhood Facebook group.

Thank you for being a continued source of strength and inspiration. You are the light of the world, never forget what you are capable of.

#daretobeyou

Love and Light,

t

12 replies
  1. Julie
    Julie says:

    Tina, I love this post. I too have been SO drawn to the power of prayer lately and I have to say I love how you just owned these “clumsy” little prayers.. that’s how I feel too!
    For anyone out there also deeply drawn to enhance their connection with the Divine… I highly recommend two amazing books by Tosha Silver: Outrageous Openness (does a title GET any better??) and Change Me Prayers.
    Love it!
    Thanks Tina for your continued inspiration, sharing and bearing your soul… love it my courageous leader!!

    Reply
  2. Victoria
    Victoria says:

    Hi Tina – you do the right thing, which is praying in the time of personal insecurity. It is the best for the mind and body. It is a very simple, but the most powerful way to deal with your insecurities. You have to believe, though. If you dont believe in what you are asking for, your efforts are futile. Wishing you all the best. We all have those moments of fear, but there is also brighter day ahead.

    Reply
  3. Kellsey
    Kellsey says:

    Hi Tina! I love your honesty and vulnerability as per usual! I really appreciate the way you framed prayer in a spiritual context, especially the paragraphs about the solace you have found in prayer. It reminds me of the comfort I also used to feel while praying, back in the days when I had no choice but to take part in religious practices. Such a great way to ground and practice surrender and loving kindness. Thanks for inspiring me to try it out again!

    Reply
  4. Bill Bristol
    Bill Bristol says:

    Tina, a lovely post. Anna and I take turns praying every night and find it beneficial for us both ad a deeper feeling of spirituality and closeness. I have adapted my spirituality as I have advanced in yoga. I also did not have any religious upbringing, but became Catholic after Meica, my daughter passed away in 1997. I found I really needed something to cling to as we worked thru the grieving process. So hold onto Magnus as the precious soul he is. This is one of your best posts of all time

    Reply
    • Tina
      Tina says:

      Ah, I’m so sorry for your loss Bill. I had no idea…and I’m so sorry for your loss. I can only imagine how devastating that would be. Yes, I promise I will hold onto him, he is so precious to me. <3 t

      Reply
  5. Faye
    Faye says:

    I love this Tina! I grew up with religion but oddly enough I never prayed at bedtime. However, my husband always did and when he passed away my daughter and I started praying at bedtime. She is 3 now and we also say what we are thankful for every night as part of the routine, which is a soul sisterhood inspired activity. This helps me get through days where I might otherwise have forgotten that I always have things to be thankful for. I still worry and pray about my little girl, but truly there is a point where although we are still doing everything to keep them alive, they start to do things that keep us alive too. And that is one of the most amazing things about motherhood that nobody ever told me.

    Reply
  6. Andrea
    Andrea says:

    Tina!
    This post is so moving. I love your blog but this has got to be my favourite. I found myself tearing up and reminiscing of becoming a mother all over – again. I felt soo afraid of my baby dying as well- like they ( each of them) were too good to be true or something. You share it so beautifully. Also, it reminded me of how wonderful prayer is. I feel similar to you in that I Beleive in “something” but still use the name God- and also in that it relieves me and is a form of gratitude.
    Wow! What a wonderful wash of emotions I felt- and a celebration of the vulnerability of the human experience.
    Thank you as always for sharing and loving!

    Reply

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