Today as I’m writing I’m going to break some rules.
I’ve been told to never teach, or write about anything that you aren’t actually over.
Well, today I’m going to share with you some insight into my own vulnerabilities and fears.
However, I’m NOT going to say this is my most vulnerable post because I read that everywhere and I think it’s tacky.
Yes, this is vulnerable, and I feel exposed, because I’m an “expert” and people pay for my help with this stuff.
Yet I would feel like a fraud if I didn’t share some of my own shit with you, because I have mounds of it…and the days I don’t get sleep because of pregnancy (looooove all these wonderful symptoms, ugh), I have great big ass MOUNTAINS of it to swim through.
Maybe you can relate?
So, here it is:
I’m scared…a lot.
Especially since I’ve been pregnant, I’ve been really scared.
This is the first thing I’ve done in a long time that I am involved with something I cannot control, reverse, or walk away from…and that scares the living SHIT out of me.
At first my fear started within a few weeks when I started to worry that maybe there was something wrong with my baby, because the statistics say that the risks exponentially increase when moms are over 35.
Then I was scared of giving up my life. I love my career, I love teaching yoga, I love the freedom and flexibility of my life and I am terrified of losing everything that I have created.
I’m scared of the strain children put on marriages and I love my husband and my marriage.
I’m scared of my body never being the same, and the mean sounding comments of a few other moms who laugh and say “of course it won’t be” as though they HOPE it won’t be.
I’m scared of labor. I have a low lying placenta, and now am trying to get used to the idea of a higher risk of a C-Section even though I’m terrified of surgery. (I’m also terrified of vaginal birth, the whole fucking thing I want nothing to do with at this point.)
I’m terrified of falling in love to deeply with this child, and losing myself completely into him.
I’m scared of being lonely and desperate for adult conversations.
I’m scared of having a household of two self-employed parents and the uncertainty it brings.
I’m scared that I’m too selfish, and that I won’t be a good enough mom.
I’m also scared that I don’t want this enough. I mean most of my mom friends have ALWAYS known they wanted to be a mom. I’ve been indifferent until last year.
I’m often scared that I’m a bad person because I don’t particularly like being pregnant other than the fact that I don’t feel like I have to suck my tummy in for the first time in my life.
I’m scared of every single unknown there is, because it is ALL unknown. I have never done this before and I have zero control over most things regarding this little human right now. This scares the bejeezus out of me.
So why am I sharing this with you?
Because this is what anxiety looks like masked as fear. We ALL have anxiety at some points in our life at varying degrees.
Anxiety overestimates the significance and permanence of our problems.
Say that with me: anxiety overestimates the significance and permanence of our problems.
The truth is that they will change, and they will pass.
Eventually my pregnancy will be over and I will have a son in my arms and start a whole new beginning that I will get to design and create again.
It will be different for sure, but my life would be different a year from now anyways because that’s what life does, it keeps on life-ing. And seriously, at times don’t you think: “thank GOD it does,” right?
I’m scared yes, and I have a tonne of tools that support me the nights I lay awake or the times it almost takes my breath away.
Over the 10 years I’ve been doing this, most of the people I have worked with have anxiety (whether diagnosed or not, or medicated or not) and I have had tremendous results in helping my clients become happier and calmer.
It saddens me so much that anxiety is an epidemic in our society so I have been inspired to create an accessible course to transform anxiety and help you live a calmer happier life. (If this is you, click here to grab my free Meditation for Panic and Anxiety)
I’d love to hear from you now: Am I crazy or can you relate to my fears? What are the ones that are bothering you right now?
We are the light for each other, please feel free to share this with all of your friends on Facebook, Tweet it out loud, and forward to anyone who might need this right now.
Thank you for being such an inspiration to me.