Just curious, how many emotions are you going through in a day or in my case today, 10 minutes? Are you a total roller coaster like I am?
This morning I woke up happy and cuddled with Magnus on the couch reading Richard Scarry stories. Babykins is his favourite right now. Then I added the yummy toppings (pecans, hemp seeds, cinnamon, maple syrup, and coconut whipped cream of course!) to the overnight apple pie oatmeal I prepared last night. After we had breakfast together with Dave, I had a run, showered, and got ready for work.
Great start, right?
Once sat down to work, I started and stopped at least things 5 I was working on. I couldn’t seem to focus on anything. I felt restless, impatient, and distracted, so I pulled out my Mala beads to meditate. I like the beads when I want something tactile because it helps my focus. I directed that focus to my breathing which was feeling tight and limited.
As my fingers slid along the Mala beads with each breath, the impatience I had been experiencing became deafening. My mind was screaming that I had half the time to work than I used to a month ago, so GET TO IT. I felt restless and agitated. My mind was scolding me, wagging its finger, saying I should be doing something else, something more productive than meditating. What the hell was I thinking??
Everything came up.
I observed the restlessness from becoming accustomed to constantly being “on,” interrupted, and “doing” ALL The Time for the past month and a half. I noticed how silence and stillness had become uncomfortable even when I’m craving it.
I observed the stress I’ve been feeling because Dave is leaving to seed at his friends’ farm for a month in Saskatchewan. Dave has gone farming every spring and fall since Magnus was in my tummy, so that’s not new. But this time will be the first time I won’t be able to leave the house to get groceries or have any sort of childcare to work, not to mention company.
I observed the anxiety of an unknown future. Will there be school for Magnus this fall? He’s missing out on socialization, so are all the kids this age. What will that mean for them? Will Dave have a job in hockey if the schools don’t reopen this fall? Will we have to move again, and where would we go? Will we be okay? Will we all be okay? When will this all end???
Then I observed the grief bubbling up for the life we had just a month and a half ago. I miss seeing friends, going to the pool, play dates, going for dinner or a coffee, and feeling like I could make plans.
And then it happened. The silence followed by the In Sight that happens when we stop fighting with reality and the way we want things to be.
I exhaled and surrendered to way things are.
This moment. THIS moment is the only one I know I have right now.
Nothing matters but right now. If this isn’t a slap in the face Zen teaching moment, I don’t know what is.
Right now, we can predict nothing, no one really knows anything, and the whole everything is a big question mark.
What we can rely on is now and how we choose to show up in the face of it.
If you are feeling a clusterfuck of emotions right now too, here are 3 questions I turn to help stay focused, steady, and clear.
I thought they might be helpful to you too, so here they are:
How do I want to show up today? For myself, for those I love, and for the world?
What is the world I want to see, and how can I contribute to that today through my thoughts, actions, and deeds?
How can I be more open, loving, and present?
Never forget that you are the light of the world. You are a conduit for the Divine. You are strong, you are resilient, you are magical.
I believe in you, and I believe in us.
What are your strategies when you’re in a funk? Let me know in the comments below.