This morning as I was nursing Magnus I almost started crying because he’s growing so fast.
As I watched his little jaws moving I could almost see into the future of the 5 year old who I will hold close to me because he lost his toy, the 10 year old who is fighting with his best friend, and the 16 year old who lost his first real girlfriend. Time is already moving too fast and he’s only almost 5 weeks old.
He will never be as small as he is today, and I want time to: Slow. The. Fuck. Down.
Last week one of my dear friends Kim came over and as we were chatting she said to me, “You are doing a great job. You’re so relaxed you wouldn’t think this is your first baby at all!”
I laughed, “Really? I don’t know what the fuck I am doing. But I can keep him fed, alive, and cuddled.”
And that leads me to my greatest fear: not being able to keep him alive.
I am scared shitless of him dying.
As I type these words, there has been nothing truer in the world.
I cannot bear to lose him and I am terrified that he will die of SIDS or some other awful thing and that I will never be able to hold him again.
I didn’t even know this kind of feeling could exist until he came along.
So I’ve started doing something that has surprised me:
I started praying.
Now, I don’t typically share my religious beliefs (primarily because I don’t have any), but this has been a source of real solace for me and I thought it might help you too.
I wasn’t raised with religion, and ironically enough, the only things I know about the bible are what I learned in public school.
Yet I am very spiritual.
I believe in something, but I can’t pray to “something,” and “higher power” or “life force” are too cumbersome to say even in my own mind so I use the word “God.”
It’s the most familiar to me, even if it may mean something a little different.
Every night now I pray in my own clumsy way.
As I go to sleep I pray for the health, happiness and safety of my family (among other things), and for Magnus to stay alive.
There is solace in prayer that I didn’t know before.
To me, it’s a combination of a loving kindness practice where I am well wishing for those I love, and also a way to give my worries to something bigger than me so I can let them go, even for a short while.
I also love that my last thoughts are loving my family and wishing them the best, while allowing me to sleep without running into my son’s room every 5 minutes to make sure he’s still breathing.
I’d love to hear from you now, what do you do with your worries? Do you pray? What helps put your heart at rest? Please share in the comments below, or in the Soul Sisterhood Facebook group.
Thank you for being a continued source of strength and inspiration. You are the light of the world, never forget what you are capable of.
Love and Light,